Setting Boundaries Over the Holidays: A Guide to Navigating Complex Relationships
The holidays can be a time of joy, connection, and warmth and they can also bring stress, pressure, and emotional strain. Perhaps you are already bracing for political debates at dinner, feeling stretched by the number of obligations, or worrying about spending beyond your means. If so, you are not alone.
Many people find that the holiday season amplifies relationship dynamics and emotional tension. One way to care for your emotional well-being is by setting and maintaining healthy boundaries.
What Are Boundaries?
Boundaries help us understand and communicate where we end and others begin. They protect our time, energy, and emotional space by making clear what we are and are not comfortable with. One helpful metaphor is to think of boundaries like fences. Unlike solid walls, fences allow for visibility and connection through their gates, offering both flexibility and protection.
Why the Holidays Challenge Boundaries
During this time of year, the pressure to attend events, give, receive, keep the peace, and meet expectations can feel intense. We might find ourselves saying “yes” when we want to say “no,” avoiding conflict at our own expense, or feeling guilty for needing rest.
Therapeutically, AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy) teaches us that safety is essential for emotional connection and healing. The holidays can activate old relational wounds, especially if we have experienced inconsistent caregiving or trauma in the past.
Common Holiday Boundary Struggles
Agreeing to things you do not have the capacity for
Avoiding difficult conversations to keep everyone else comfortable
Feeling responsible for others’ happiness or reactions
Becoming overwhelmed by emotionally charged topics like politics or religion
Examples of How Boundaries Can Show Up
Boundary needs vary widely depending on the situation, relationship, and your own capacity. There is no one-size-fits-all formula. However, it can be helpful to reflect on patterns and tendencies you might notice in yourself, especially during high-stress times like the holidays.
Porous Boundaries
These often stem from a deep desire to be liked, needed, or to avoid conflict. You might notice:
Agreeing to host even when you feel emotionally or physically overwhelmed
Saying “yes” to financial or emotional demands that do not align with your capacity
Staying in conversations that leave you feeling anxious, disrespected, or emotionally unsafe
Rigid Boundaries
Sometimes used as self-protection, rigid boundaries may offer short-term relief but can create long-term disconnection. You might find yourself:
Avoiding all family gatherings to prevent discomfort
Withholding vulnerability, even with people who have earned your trust
Cutting off relationships entirely instead of communicating your needs
Healthy Boundaries
These involve a balance of self-awareness, assertiveness, and openness. Examples may include:
Choosing which events to attend based on your energy and emotional bandwidth
Stepping away when conversations become overwhelming or harmful
Saying “no” clearly and kindly, without over-explaining
Spending limited time with certain relatives while maintaining meaningful connections where it feels safe to do so
How Therapy Can Support Boundary Work
Setting boundaries can stir up discomfort, especially during the holidays when old dynamics and expectations resurface. If you grew up in an environment where saying “no” was met with guilt, rejection, or disapproval, boundary-setting might feel emotionally risky, even when it’s necessary.
Therapy can be a helpful space to untangle those responses, understand what makes certain interactions feel unsafe, and practice new ways of expressing your needs. Modalities like AEDP, which emphasize emotional safety and relational healing, and DBT, which focuses on emotion regulation and interpersonal effectiveness, can offer powerful support. The key is finding what feels most helpful and aligned with your needs.
Reflective Prompts
How do I want to feel during and after the holidays?
What boundaries might support those feelings?
What types of interactions leave me feeling emotionally unsafe or drained, and why?
What has worked well for me in the past when I have communicated a boundary?
A Gentle Reminder
It’s okay to protect your peace; saying no can be an act of self-respect, not rejection. Rest matters just as much as showing up, and meaningful connection doesn’t have to look one specific way; it’s something each person gets to define.
If this season feels especially overwhelming or if you're trying to navigate boundaries that feel confusing or new, therapy can offer a space to sort through it all. Whether you're exploring how to say no with more confidence or how to reconnect with what matters most to you, support is available.
If you’re ready to begin or simply want to learn more, book a consultation today. You don’t have to figure it all out alone.
