Trauma, Emotions, and Attachment: What Your Coping Patterns Are Trying to Tell You
What Are Core Attachment Needs?
How Therapy Helps You Heal Shame and Disconnection
As a Milwaukee trauma therapist, many of my clients come in knowing something doesn’t feel quite right, but not always knowing how to name it. Maybe it shows up as anxiety, relationship stress, overwhelm, grief, or feeling “stuck” emotionally. Often, underneath the surface is something many of us carry: shame.
You might recognize thoughts like:
“I should be over this by now.”
“Why does this still affect me?”
“It’s embarrassing that I care this much.”
These thoughts are echoes of things we’ve been told or shown about emotions being “too much,” “dramatic,” or “weak.” As a therapist, I don’t see emotions as something to fix, but rather, I view them as invitations or clues pointing us toward unmet needs.
Shame Often Follows Pain
Emotions like sadness, fear, or anger are natural, however, many people have been taught implicitly or directly that certain feelings are wrong, messy, or inconvenient. So instead of feeling pain, we can start to cover it with criticism: “I’m too sensitive.” “No wonder they left.” “I’m just being ridiculous.”
One thing that is often explored in therapy is how our attempts to avoid painful emotions can actually point us toward what we most need. When something uncomfortable arises such as grief, anger or fear, it’s natural to want to push it away. As a way of protecting ourselves, we often develop coping patterns that help us get through. These might look like overworking, withdrawing, using substances, or shutting down during difficult conversations. Yet, instead of offering ourselves compassion, many of us end up judging these very strategies. It might sound like, “I hate that I drink when I’m stressed,” or “I feel so ashamed when I shut down during conflict.” What if those responses were trying to tell us something important?
One of my primary goals when clients first begin therapy with me is granting permission for sadness, anger, and fear to exist on their own. Therapy with me creates a space where your story can be told without being minimized, edited, or pushed aside. I prioritize safety and trust so that your full emotional experience can be felt and honored.
A Story That Might Resonate
Let’s imagine a fictional client named Clarke. Clarke grew up in a home where emotions weren’t talked about, tears were brushed aside and vulnerability was seen as weakness. When Clarke expressed sadness or frustration as a child, she was told to “toughen up” or “stop being so sensitive.” Over time, she learned to keep her feelings in, stay agreeable, and not ask for too much. She became great at functioning on the outside, but inside, she often felt lonely, overwhelmed, and unsure of what she even needed.
Now, as an adult, Clarke notices that she shuts down during conflict with her partner. She gets quiet, freezes, and later feels embarrassed that she couldn’t “just speak up.” She sometimes catches herself thinking, “Why can’t I just be normal?”
As a trauma therapist, I hear stories like this often. Behaviors such as shutting down can be learned patterns that help keep you safe in environments where emotional expression wasn’t welcome. These responses, while once protective, can begin to feel isolating in adult relationships. The goal can sometimes be to understand what they’ve been protecting and what unmet emotional needs are asking to be seen.
What Healing Looks Like at Through Therapy
In working with Clarke, or anyone with a similar experience, therapy at Through Therapy might focus on:
Exploring what it was like to grow up without emotional safety
Creating space to feel sadness, anger, or grief without judgment
Naming and understanding the role her protections have played
Identifying the emotional needs that have long gone unmet
Building new ways to meet those needs that feel empowering
We do this slowly, collaboratively, and always with care.
So, What Are Core Attachment Needs?
These are the basic emotional longings that all of us share and they’re often buried beneath coping behaviors and shame.
Examples include the need to feel:
Safe
Accepted
Loved
Heard
Seen
Valued
Not alone
Not abandoned
Good enough as you are
Connected and cared for
When given space to reconnect with these needs without shame, one can begin to reconnect with self-worth, inner voice, and a greater capacity for meaningful relationships.
You Don’t Have to Figure This Out Alone
Therapy can help you understand your emotions as messengers, to move out of survival mode and into more ease, clarity, and connection.
If you’re ready to explore your story, your protections, and your deeper needs, we’re here.
Here’s how to get started:
Schedule a free 15-minute consult call to see if therapy at Through Therapy feels like a good fit.
